It's been awhile. A temporary pause in the extraordinary fickleness that is Rebecca. My writing production is typically in direct proportion to my moods. In my world, silence is the faculty of a really fabulous mood, or a very dire black hole. The middle zone is what I offer here. I don't think I need to point out which direction the month of January took me.
I have rethunk, redesigned and tucked away that delusional notion I was entertaining earlier in January...... the one about being forthright and upfront about issues, problems, internal clockworks and the entire "sharing" concept. Tried it out, licked it, chewed it, laid back on the family and friends output/input couch with my hands behind my head and spewed outward my personal life. Did not like it, not in the least, not even very little.
Problem. I understand now with that concept, is when someone like me outputs as I did (a rare occurrence), the input I receive comes back tenfold, overwhelmingly so, to the point I find I must crawl into a closet and separate my own thoughts from other peoples.
The backlash to that, is the beautiful people who were trying to help, find my sudden retraction from interaction confusing and personal. I shall not put people I care about in that precarious position again. There is nothing predictable and secure when it comes to an outside entity trying to engage within my borders. I've always understood that about myself and why I opened the gate is beyond excuse. I lured them all in with my words and when I began to feel suffocation, I pushed them right back out. Inexcusable. My fault. I know better. I must not forget my freak factor.
The positive note to my January is some lofty changes I accomplished and that are still in motion. When I jumped, I fell marvelously, but in the crush I achieved forward movement. I'll adhere to that for now and observe what I'm writing a year from now. Only time will reveal the depth of my tenacity and will of mind.
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2 comments:
You're just not a middle-ground kind a gal, is ya? There is quite a range of choices between isolation and oversharing, for example, choosing one or two trusted people with whom you regularly do not self-edit. If you have that, then you shouldn't pressure yourself into behaving contrary to your nature, which seems inherently discreet. But I do think that keeping too much your own counsel can also lead to stewing in one's juices and way too much subjectivity. We need to bounce things off others, if only to see them in the light of motion.
I would also bet you're probably the smartest person in the circle of people you know, and find it very hard to hear their advice as not hopelessly filtered by received ideas and perhaps a desire to placate, to make you "feel better" rather than just listen.
Or maybe that's me, who rarely seeks advice from anyone, because I rarely hear anything better than what I can come up with myself.
Reading this post was wonderful. My love is very much the quietly pensive, rarely talkative soul. I tend to think it unhealthy to "bottle too much emotion up" and we work together to find some middle ground while trying to respect each other's natural tendency. Reading your post, your feelings, helped me (I think) understand him just a bit more. Thank you.
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