rI made a broad discovery the other day while reading Marcs online journal. Although this sort of result seems obvious now, I hadn't noticed the natural progression in people until I gulped in his journal, almost a months worth in one sitting, rather then reading in daily sips. Like I told him, it was like visualizing a broad overture of his movement through words. Reading his action felt joyous to witness.
Proximity to the here and now makes a soul a bit immune or blind to the grand scheme of things. The building blocks we erect on a daily basis to get from point A to point B appear subtle, a gentle progression of action (with the occasional life jarring moments). In the case of his journal, I see a positive incline of mentality, action and potential. Which made me curious. (damn cat)
So, I had to do what I subconsciously knew was a bad idea, and go back through my daily handwritten journal, Jan 1st to Dec 31st 2008. A prolific daily (despite my record online) timeline of my world. Since I'm fully aware that I ended the year on the down low, reading the progression into my current situation stung. Or perhaps that should read, it felt like a bitch slap of righteous award for a murky pond dwelling mentality.
My nose was so close to the ground starting Jan 1st 2008 out, I didn't even bother to look 3 feet in front of me. I simply didn't care about anything anymore. Not caring about anything seemed to be the general theme of my world for most of 2008. That is my truth. It's in the written and living history. It's reeks like a rotten, or broken mentality with nothing left to lose, page after ugly page.
I read my own words and flinched at how often I wrote the words "I just don't care anymore" I just can't fight anymore" "there's nothing left" "I'm empty" "They win" "I just don't give a shit anymore" "I couldn't take the pressure anymore so I gave up" " I don't care"........the general theme. Brilliant Rebecca. Well done. Smart thinking.
If only I had stopped to read, really intake my own entries by Mid-March, maybe I would have seen the general theme, seen the hill I was rolling down was wrong, terribly wrong, I could have caught myself mid assault, removed my nose from the ground and stood up with two fists ready to defend, fight.......care again. Maybe. But I didn't care and received my rewards.
My written self reminded me of a clown with a perpetual smile painted on her face and below the paint quivering downturned lips . It's all rather ridiculous and obscene now that I'm sitting up and looking around. I'd like to write out a string of profanity. Let it rip, exile my disgust with a vocal scream to myself and at the world. Just to let everyone know I'm fucking pissed now....mainly at myself, but there are a few individuals who deserve an ear and fistful.
Drinking in a years worth of my movement and actions was like downing a gallon of bleach. Not pleasant. That is truth. I claim my role, will have to live with it all like a scar on my face.
But I see now. And I care, very much. So far my writing this year has been nothing but unadulterated caring about myself, my actions, the direction I'm headed and solutions to heave myself out of the dark hole I was (am) buried in. I've gone to a girlfriend and spilled the entire truth (an extraordinary first), all the way down to the deep dark secrets behind the face paint. I upped the level of accountability to myself and another and now...........we'll see what I do with all of it.
I also promise myself to read my journal at the end of each month. Keep direct tabs on the building or destroying blocks. Pay attention to that grand overture, the sweeping rainbow that makes up a persons entirety. Caring feels much better then the alternative I assumed in whole last year. It's seems outlandish that I honestly went to the other side of that fence, but I did. A hard stone to swallow, but I taste it now. I'll have to consider that movement in itself.
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2 comments:
My experience: every time that I utter "I don't care," it's really me saying, "Oh I so hate this situation that I'm going to PRETEND not to care. But I do care, and it's killing me."
Only when you care can you fix things.
Zora Neale Huston said there were years that asked questions and years that answered them. I think last year was an asking year (behind what sounds like clinical depression, frankly) and this year, I bet, will be an answering one.
Dont' forget you also sent me the ART book that had such a creative impact on me, and I would bet any amount of money that your daughters will NOT recall 2008 as the year "Mom was a mess." You stepped up to the plate. You may have felt like laying in bed all year, but you didn't. Stop judging yourself by how you felt instead of by what you did. You were down, but you were kind. I'd say the latter trumps the former any day.
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