All******** is the result of a three day later edit******
There are days when the reality of my choices snake through the pit of my stomach.
My decisions seep through my blood like a disease and clouds my vision with parallel truth.
The weight of my chosen consequence buckles my knees and I find myself flat on my back surrounded by Lavender Black.
If only, to my core, I had understood the gravity of the time sentence I nailed myself to the cross for......in the name of self sacrifice and doing the right thing. The white stupidity of choice based on **** destiny. *******************************. ********* know. ******** know. I can't regret that. I won't.
And the ******, touched by my choices...the additional deciding factors. Some days, I'd like to slam my fist in their faces so they could feel what I feel, so they knew what I suffer, so they felt in their core what I placed aside for them. Their comforts. Their convenience. Here, I fall into selfish mentality, I want them to appreciate, to understand, to realize. To see.
No one can know the scope of my truths. That liability must remain mine and mine alone. That's the problem with ****** ****** and self imposed solitary confinement of the mind. I choose to enact a ******* life in the name of time and growth. Save the last dance. Wait. I was the one of less character, weak in the space of *****. I did this. I negotiated this painful tick of the tock. Fucking Patron Saint of the Clandestine Heart. I'll never succumb to ******, but perform the task of swallow in and spit out my penance.
For my ****, still walks hand in hand, with my *****. That hope and truth has become tangled with **** and ******, for now. A possibility that could dissolve by divine ******. What a horrid truth to gamble against.
This *** entry is a liability of *** *****.
And today I don't give a shit.
***and today I do*****
The Automatic Greeting
To Play Hard
Right With Inspiration
Without Words
The Eternal Eastern Compass
Randomness.......
About Me
- ~Rebecca Anne~
- Please visit me at my new location~~~ www.Provocationofmind.com
3 comments:
Did you wait till I got back to write another entry? (I know you didn't, but it feels that way.)
The parts that hits me is "I can't regret that. I won't."
And yet you seem to be ambivalent about making that very choice, because of its consequences.
This is a mysterious entry, but then again, you specialize in mystery...
I can't pretend to know what it is that tortures you dear friend. I am familiar with the past walking hand in hand with the present. The lines don't mesh so well, one always fights for dominance. The thing is the fight itself renders you invisible to your own wants.
Selfless acts are never to be regretted, that much is true. You can and I do bend under the weight of such acts. To say they don't come with a price is reckless. Each one cost us something of our own soul. The trick is to find a way to hang on those parts you need to continue to be whole. Yes, that did turn out to be an oxymoronic statement.
Because no matter the cost, you can never truly be whole, when your giving parts of yourself in selfless acts. No matter how selfish you wish to be dear friend, your too much like me...Scream, pound your fist against a wall, write it out...you will never be selfish enough with those parts. It's not in you, or me to do so.
When the weight of the burden becomes too much, take a look inside, is there anything left of you? Yes, then it was never enough...I'm not sure if you will grasp what I meant in that statement. It's a long about way of saying you can't fight your nature dear friend. You will always find something more/left to give of yourself, no matter how dire the circumstances or the decision.
Your in my thoughts, I wish I knew the right words to soothe your troubled soul tonight. All I can offer is I will always listen, always....
(Hugs)Indigo
I must say I don't know how to read the new version. But I will say I don't think this represents an ongoing torment, as much as one of those times when you came up against the irrevocable nature of certain choices. I don't see regret, but a desire not to have had to make those choices in the first place, as their consequences still resonate into the present. Sometimes it's hard to accept that the second part of our life is often determined by the first part.
Perhaps I'm projecting.
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